Don’t Make It a Big Deal

Throughout time, again and again, all of us human beings have faced challenges. On one hand, these issues are a big deal. But on the other hand, we must see that challenges are going to happen here and there. Especially since we are living in a confused world. Here, challenges are common. And each of us, at times, has struggled with different physical or mental health issues. Relationships seem to be a big deal as well, don’t they? Or is it just me?

People who move to a new city often experience a lot of difficulty trying to develop friendships and relationships, or finding community. That shows the pain, the suffering, of having no relationship. Sometimes we go to therapy for our no-relationship problem.

And then we develop a relationship. That’s also challenging. We go to therapy again, this time for a different purpose.

First, we go to community centers hoping to get into a relationship. Then later we go to the same places to talk to people about how we can get out of our relationship. 

How Understanding Impermanence Helps Us

From the Buddhist point of view, one of the key ways to deal with our suffering, to bring about happiness, is understanding the notion of interdependence. There we find the balance. When we lose the balance, that creates pain and suffering.

To begin with, we can remember that every century has brought its own challenges. We may think we’re living in a special time in history, at a critical crossroads. But actually, we’re not that special, and our situation is not so new.

We’re always going to have challenges. But one bit of good news is, it’s going to change. Nothing lasts forever. Of course, when we want something to last forever, that’s a problem. But when we want something to change, it’s a good thing. Because everything’s subject to change. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how hard we try to keep it.

We want to live forever, and we put so much effort into that. Starting with the ancient kings and emperors, human beings have tried to live forever. And these days billionaires and trillionaires are trying to live forever. Remember how we tried Ginseng? It didn’t work. Then we tried different mushrooms, which are also not working. They may give you good hallucinations, but they don’t help you live forever.

So, the challenges we face today, in our thoughts, in our mind, whatever difficulties we have in relationships, or with the world, will not last. All of these are going to change.

How Are You Looking At It?

For us as individuals, one of the sources of our suffering is fixating on these challenges, thinking of them as real, as existing forever. We think and act as if our hardships are there to stay. That’s how we end up in so much pain.

But when you see that a problem is transitory, it’s not such a big deal. You’re aware that everything changes. Even your worst nightmare changes.

So we can see that our challenge is not the actual problem. The problem is how we look at it. The way we view things is what matters. That in itself is quite a big deal, and it makes a big difference. 

It’s the same for us now, whenever we imagine something happening that we don’t want to happen. At first, it may have been quite scary. But as we grow older, as we gain knowledge, wisdom, and experience, then when we look back, we see there was nothing to be scared of.

So, our state of mind – the way we look at things – is what’s most important for meeting our challenges. Because our mind is the one that has all these thoughts about whatever’s going on. If our mind views it as scary, we get scared. If our mind views it as something to work with, to understand, we can meet it with calm and wise action.

Try this

1. Think of one challenge you’re currently facing. There may be a few, but choose one.

2. What are two thoughts you usually have about this challenge? Write them down.

3. Considering the first thought, ask, “Does this thought help me, or does it make the challenge harder to work with?” Write down your answer. Just notice it, no need to do anything more just now.

4. Consider the second thought you wrote down, and ask the same question about your second thought. Write down your answer. Just notice it.

5. Now take each thought and turn it around: what’s another way you could look at it – a different thought to this one? Write these down.

These “new and different” thoughts may seem weird at first because you’re not used to them. It’s okay, you don’t have to keep them. But try them on for a little while, just to see what it’s like. Refer to your new thoughts about your challenge every morning, for a week. Notice what effect this has on your mind.

This article is based on a teaching given by Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche at Nalanda West in Seattle, Washington on March 16, 2025.